A relationship, in the simplest of terms, is a connection between two or more individuals. It can be social, romantic, familial, professional, or platonic, each with its own dynamics, complexities, and intricacies. This bond may be based on love, respect, kinship, shared experiences, mutual interests, or a combination of these elements.
There’s no one-size-fits-all when it comes to relationship problems. They vary as widely as the relationships themselves. Common issues include lack of communication, trust issues, disagreements over shared responsibilities, differing life goals or values, and financial stress. Conflicts may also arise from unmet needs, unfulfilled expectations, or unhealthy power dynamics.
Every Problem is a Relationship Problem
According to Alfred Adler, the Austrian medical doctor and psychotherapist, every problem is essentially a relationship problem. This assertion is deeply rooted in Adlerian psychology, which emphasizes the importance of our social connections. Each issue we face, regardless of its surface appearance, is interconnected with how we relate to others. For instance, financial stress is not solely about money; it also involves our relationships with those we share financial responsibilities with or our societal understanding of financial success.
Horizontal relationships are characterized by equality, mutual respect, and shared responsibility. In these relationships, all parties involved are seen as equal contributors, each with their own valid thoughts, feelings, and perspectives. Decision-making is collaborative, and conflicts are addressed in a manner that prioritizes understanding and consensus.
In contrast, vertical relationships are marked by hierarchy and power imbalances. One party in the relationship has authority over the other, resulting in a power dynamic where decision-making is skewed. The relationship becomes susceptible to exploitation, manipulation, or coercion. This is seen in authoritarian parenting styles, autocratic leadership, and other situations where one person holds significant control or influence over another.
Building Horizontal Relationships is the right approach
Horizontal relationships foster a sense of camaraderie, mutual respect, and shared understanding. They promote emotional well-being, as everyone involved feels heard, valued, and empowered. They encourage open communication and collaboration, leading to more robust problem-solving.
On the other hand, vertical relationships can breed resentment, fear, and insecurity. The power imbalance may inhibit open dialogue, leading to suppressed feelings and unresolved conflicts. Over time, this can erode the relationship’s foundation, causing it to become unsustainable or harmful.
Building Horizontal Relationships requires Courage and Patience
Building and maintaining healthy, horizontal relationships requires courage and patience. It takes courage to challenge ingrained patterns, to speak our truths, and to stand up for equality within our relationships. It also requires the patience to understand others, to compromise, to resolve conflicts, and to nurture the relationship.
Adler’s work underlines that we are inherently social beings, and thus, the quality of our relationships profoundly impacts our mental and emotional well-being.
Let us strive for horizontal relationships, where mutual respect, understanding, and equality are the norm.
As we cultivate such relationships, we not only solve our immediate problems, but we also foster a society where everyone can thrive.
Books referred:
THE COURAGE TO BE DISLIKED & THE COURAGE TO BE HAPPY
NOTE: I create some of these posts using GPT4, asking the right question until I get the response matching most of what I wanted to say. And all posts created using GPT4 will carry a message like this one at the end. So, FYI please.
2 responses to “Are you prone to creating vertical relationships with people around you – pushover?”
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Hi Vipin. Very interesting article this is. And intriguing as well. What’s your view on the vertical relationship? Is it really avoidable considering that humans unlike machines are largely prone to argue and debate when given instructions. The reasons could be any but if the person giving the instructions is himself/herself mandated to get it done then a vertical relationship is probably the only way. Building camaraderie is great and also an awesome thought to the ears, but is it not a utopian expectation.
However, loved reading the article.
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Thank you Arvind. Your question is exactly what will come to mind when someone first encounters this chain of thoughts explained by Adler. It could take a decade or more if you are more than 30 years of age to incorporate his teachings into your own life.
The answer is – no. It is not at all required to create vertical relationships, if the roles and responsibilities are clearly defined. Just because someone is more experienced, rich or powerful, doesn’t mean the less experienced, rich or powerful will need to create vertical relationships. That said, it is not the norm.
The norm is, as you correctly pointed out – people create vertical relationships in the real world. But that is the whole point of the article – the norm is not written in stone, and has to be changed – can be changed. What is utopia today might be reality tomorrow.
Hope this helps. And if time permits, read up the 2 books referenced – those will provide much greater clarity (as the author is better) than what I as a beginner blog writer can.
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